Faith

Last night I could not sleep even though I felt like I couldn’t keep my eyes open, my heart was pounding. There are a million things to think about and figure out how to do. There are a million things that have been said to me that tend to run through my head and continue to wound me over and over again, bringing a sense of humiliation, guilt and sadness to the very depth of my soul. There are images in my mind of what possibly happened that play like a horrible movie. Sometimes it is just hard to sleep!
I got up and turned on the light and grabbed a pen and notebook and started making a list of all I need to accomplish with in these next few days.
Still not tired…
I got out my Bible and started reading Hebrews chapter 3. I was reading about how the Israelites, the people who God rescued from Egypt in a miraculous way didn’t get to see the promise land because of their unbelief. They did not believe the God that rescued them could bring such goodness and do what he said he was going to do.
That coincided with my devotional for the day out of Streams in the Desert, believing God, simply faith. Faith is believing without seeing. I thought I had a handle on this, I know God can do what he says. Then I got an email from my brother, someone that I have had such a broken relationship with. He shared with me what he was going through and shared with me something he read about, guess what? That’s right Faith.
He shared with me about when the Israelites were faced with the Red Sea. They were there with no hope, had God brought them all this way, if front of a giant sea, just to die. From all appearances the answer to that question would be yes. Behind them an army was pursuing them and would kill them all, mountains surrounded them and in front of them a great big sea, they were all going to die and God had played a cruel joke. We all know the story, God opened up that sea and to their amazement they walked, (I would imagine that they would have run personally), across dry land and when they were all safely on the other side God allowed to sea to close up on the armies that were chasing them.
Still can’t sleep…
Well, I missed church two weeks ago and so I thought I would catch up on the message, so I got my computer and turned it on. Our pastor is doing a series on guess what…Faith.
Okay, I am starting to get it now, maybe God wants to teach me about faith on a whole new level. By now my head is swimming because I have no faith that God can change certain things in my life because I have no control over them. I know that He can change me and heal me. I know that I am willing and done with playing games and being a person who has neglected so many areas in my own life and has become lost in the truest sense of the word. I do not however believe that God has the power to fix my marriage or the other person involved in this whole process. I have no control over that, I don’t want to risk being hurt over and over. Yesterday, I was finished, completely done with my current life and I was throwing in the towel and moving on with just my daughter and I! That’s were my faith was.
Back to the message I was listening to, the whole message was on the topic of faith, yes but faith when you don’t believe. What do you do when you doubt. What do you do when you just don’t believe. I was thinking that because I have no faith right now in God’s ability to mend and change things that He was not able to do anything that deep down in my heart, I desperately want. (Whoooo, that was hard to admit!) Pastor Chris brought up a few examples of areas in our life where we might not believe God can work and he used one example of the fact that “maybe you have been married for 14 years and your marriage looks over and you can look back and see that it has been broken from almost the beginning”. I started crying, I have been married for 14 years and the other day had to admit to myself and then my husband that I think things have been broken from almost the beginning!!! Some might shake their heads and think I am silly and that was just a coincidence that the pastor made that as an example, I however know that God spoke to me. God isn’t angry with my disbelief, he understands. I am willing for him to help me with my disbelief!
After I fell asleep I had the best night sleep with no dreams about all this drama, for the first time since this nightmare started three weeks ago! I have not even to been able to escape this nightmare when I sleep, I have always been a dreamer but come on!!! I have just wanted some rest. I have woken up with a sick stomach every day and at times it has been so bad that I sit in the bathroom throwing up for a half an hour, not the best start to my day.
This morning was the first time that I didn’t have a stomach ache when I woke up. I feel like I just might be coming back to life.
My faith is not perfect, my faith is not strong but my faith is being strengthened.
I have so many new blessings in my life right now that I would not have had, had my life not imploded. I have had old friends come back into my life that I have missed and relationships reconciled that I thought were lost forever. These are helping me remember who I used to be and giving me hope that I am going to be just fine through this.
God is truly so good!!! I have FAITH!!!